Found something that I wrote a long time ago, on 2004 I think, I dont remember why I wrote this, but apparently this is my true feeling and thoughts for what I have become..:)
hmm....life is soo....i dont know how to say it...sometimes u are up for it...but sometimes u arent...the clock is almost reaching the stroke of midnight...and here i am...with my mind drifted away...n my feeling is not there...sometimes...i picture myself as someone who always try to be nice to everyone...who always dont want to fail everyone...who want everyone to see me as a....happy one...!
well....what lies beneath me is not always the one that everyone see in my everyday life....i can be so unperfect...so unkind....so.....careless....i always put high hopes on everyone, that everyone is the same...that they are always kind, and nice....that they will never fail me....
but what comes in reality is the contrary...i've been hurt...been broken hearted....been torn apart....n they come as a result of my willingness to always put high hopes on everyone...and of course, in the end, i am dissapointed when things turn out different than I thought...
i listen, i laugh, i care, i cry, i go along with people, i feel what they feel, and i do hope that they feel me too....but it wont always go to that direction....sometimes i fall....
i shouldnt put too much hope on everything....just....be as i wish to be....not to put too many things in it....i still listen, i still laugh, i still care, i still cry....i...still go along with people....but, i want now to be different....i want to be me....i want to be.....not what i used to be.....i want to.....just being myself...without so much concern to others.....can I do it? or should I do it?
those questions are really up to me....i just...dont want to be hurt anymore.....
one said that what influence u is ur surroundings....ur family....ur friends....well, ever since my early days without my father's presence, i've been there to always make my little brother happy....i've been taught to always put my happy smile...i've been taught to always comfort him, just to make him feel safe being with me...that i always be there for him...for years i've been doing that....n for years i've been keeping all my sadness with me....
well, friends are always there though...but i could not burden them with my sadness...hmm...its me who always be there for them...dont put ur sad face in front of them....that is what I always said to myself....no matter how hard it is...how painful it is...u can always smile, n say, hey, u are better than anyone else....!
i've been running, and running, and keeping all inside me.....sometimes it comes out, sometimes it doesnt....and sometimes, when I am sad....I am back to being a 12 year old girl who was holding my little brother n said, 'ssh...dont cry...dont cry....i am here...' as I put my happy smile just to sooth him....
as everything turns out to be better, sometimes I feel like running...and bringing all my misery with me....I dont want to share it to everyone...! its my own misery, and its me who is responsible for that....but then I realize...should I run...and run....and run.....and never find the answer?sometimes, tears are just easily flowing on my cheeck...whenever i am sad....whenever i am in a deep pain....whenever.....maybe i can be called a cry baby....but....as for me....crying is the only way to release myself....to release the pain....the sadness...i dont want to cry again...but i cant help it...what should I do? should I just run...and run....and run,...? and try to forget everything...? can I do that? is it good? is it....better?
still dont know the answer....and what is written in the blue moon...maybe it is the only answer....
urasa, november 2004
That is exactly what my thoughts are lately...I've been hurt...been dissapointed, but still, I am trying to be nice..still trying to be, well, a door mat, a push-over...Hmm..I dont want to feel that way anymore...I dont want to be a door mat, its not nice..Even though it maybe looks nice to someone, but it only hurts me, little by little, pieces by pieces...I've been torn apart, but I wont let myself torn again...
I maybe nice, I maybe a caring person...but I had to have that courage to speak up for myself, I have to dare myself not to that caring to others, especially to those who, well, dont really care for me..People says, it takes two to tango...Well, I might as well say that to myself too...It takes two to carry out relations, a friendship...and its not just your own efforts to make it right...to be carried out..
Its not easy though, especially for someone like me...for a person who can not say 'no'...well, I have to learn though...little by little, step by step...until the day that I can say 'no' to someone..
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Pagi-pagi udah bete...
Geez...so much for ruining my day..!
Amy YM me this morning, and she said she was at home, and we chatted and she said..'Mei, I havent received your present, and my omiyage from Netta!' Wtf?? I mean, c'mon, its been, almost 2 months since Netta received that from Anny..!
At first I asked Amy, ' Really, have u tried to call her, or sms her?', she said, 'yes, but she never answers the phone nor does she answer the sms'..So, Amy was just left alone in the dark, not knowing what happened to her presents..
But what made me got bete was....Amy asked me to find a Neko Basu--the character from our favorite film 'Totoro'--she really loves it, and its very expensive in Jakarta...so, at that time I went to several toy stores in Tokyo to find her Neko Basu...I mean, its Amy, and shes my bestfriend, of course I will look for something she likes, hence she especially requested it from me...
I got that Neko Basu, and it cost around 3000 yen something, so, to make it easy I just said to Amy its 240 thousand rupiah...And what made me felt worse this morning was...she has paid it to Anny, on time, and Anny has given it to my mom....(as I've told her to)! And it was already a long time ago....
That is why, I got so so angry with Netta, and felt sorry for Amy, I mean...c'mon, is it so hard for you to answer in one single short phone conversation?? Or, is it so hard for you to just jot few words on your keypad to send sms (the simple thing that u can do almost anytime, even when you sit down on your toilet, trying to do ur number 2..I often do that)
So, I YM-ed Netta and I asked her to give Amy the gift ASAP, well, my message is a little bit harsh I think, but I was so angry with her...I mean, its not the first time she did something like this...and if she really cares for her friend, she wont behave this way...If she's like this, well, I can assume that, she ACTS AS IF SHE CARES, while in fact, shes not..
I dont have to mention how many times she has dissapointed me...in many occasions, I still can stand it then, and I consider its just a plain, forgivable thing that can easily forgotten...but now, I think I've had enough..
Well, she sent me an email though, saying that she's absolutely busy...yeah rite...I mean, I WANT TO BELIEVE HER....really....but I CANT...I lost my trust on her...If you can say you are absolutely busy, then, how come you still could updated your Facebook (a Friendster kind of thing) for the whole day, still could go somewhere to eat, still did something you like, but couldnt call your friend and tell her sorry that she doesnt have that much time to give it to her? I am sure her friend will understand...
One more thing, I'VE NEVER SAID I AM ABSOLUTELY BUSY..as I recalled...yeah, sometimes I say I am really busy...hmm...maybe an absolute busy is...as for me...during the visit of the President of RI to Japan, yeah...but then again, oh well, its only for, 3 or 4 days maybe?
Well, anyway, still my feeling towards her is not as I used to have before...mind you, I dont feel that 'closeness' again, as I feel to my other friends...even though we rarely meet, let alone chat, or talk on the phone (so damn expensive from here to Jakarta!)..However, with my other friends, I still can relate myself...I still feel an ease...I still...KNOW them...
I dont know...I hope my feeling will soon change...I dont want to feel this way...I have experienced like this before with Pema, but as for Pema, she always cares for me, I can sense that....Eventhough at that time I was being such a pain in the ass (I hate her bf-now-husband), she didnt change, of course at that time she's so head over heels fallin for him, but she didnt forget us, I and other friends, she spared her time here and there...I know its tiring, and I know its not easy to hear all the judgements and all the critics for her bf, but she's there....she laughed with us...she enjoyed our companion (and of course, she left early for him), she's always be there for us...that is why I and Pema cried so much like a children lose their toys, during our farewell bid (on the phone, mind you! coz at that time I was absolutely busy, yes, I think its appropriate to use 'absolutely' since on that days after graduation I went crazy here and there, took care of everything up to find a real buyer for our car!)
So, at first I thought Pema and Netta is similar, but, then again, they're totally different...I must say...
I do hope my feeling will be healed soon...
Amy YM me this morning, and she said she was at home, and we chatted and she said..'Mei, I havent received your present, and my omiyage from Netta!' Wtf?? I mean, c'mon, its been, almost 2 months since Netta received that from Anny..!
At first I asked Amy, ' Really, have u tried to call her, or sms her?', she said, 'yes, but she never answers the phone nor does she answer the sms'..So, Amy was just left alone in the dark, not knowing what happened to her presents..
But what made me got bete was....Amy asked me to find a Neko Basu--the character from our favorite film 'Totoro'--she really loves it, and its very expensive in Jakarta...so, at that time I went to several toy stores in Tokyo to find her Neko Basu...I mean, its Amy, and shes my bestfriend, of course I will look for something she likes, hence she especially requested it from me...
I got that Neko Basu, and it cost around 3000 yen something, so, to make it easy I just said to Amy its 240 thousand rupiah...And what made me felt worse this morning was...she has paid it to Anny, on time, and Anny has given it to my mom....(as I've told her to)! And it was already a long time ago....
That is why, I got so so angry with Netta, and felt sorry for Amy, I mean...c'mon, is it so hard for you to answer in one single short phone conversation?? Or, is it so hard for you to just jot few words on your keypad to send sms (the simple thing that u can do almost anytime, even when you sit down on your toilet, trying to do ur number 2..I often do that)
So, I YM-ed Netta and I asked her to give Amy the gift ASAP, well, my message is a little bit harsh I think, but I was so angry with her...I mean, its not the first time she did something like this...and if she really cares for her friend, she wont behave this way...If she's like this, well, I can assume that, she ACTS AS IF SHE CARES, while in fact, shes not..
I dont have to mention how many times she has dissapointed me...in many occasions, I still can stand it then, and I consider its just a plain, forgivable thing that can easily forgotten...but now, I think I've had enough..
Well, she sent me an email though, saying that she's absolutely busy...yeah rite...I mean, I WANT TO BELIEVE HER....really....but I CANT...I lost my trust on her...If you can say you are absolutely busy, then, how come you still could updated your Facebook (a Friendster kind of thing) for the whole day, still could go somewhere to eat, still did something you like, but couldnt call your friend and tell her sorry that she doesnt have that much time to give it to her? I am sure her friend will understand...
One more thing, I'VE NEVER SAID I AM ABSOLUTELY BUSY..as I recalled...yeah, sometimes I say I am really busy...hmm...maybe an absolute busy is...as for me...during the visit of the President of RI to Japan, yeah...but then again, oh well, its only for, 3 or 4 days maybe?
Well, anyway, still my feeling towards her is not as I used to have before...mind you, I dont feel that 'closeness' again, as I feel to my other friends...even though we rarely meet, let alone chat, or talk on the phone (so damn expensive from here to Jakarta!)..However, with my other friends, I still can relate myself...I still feel an ease...I still...KNOW them...
I dont know...I hope my feeling will soon change...I dont want to feel this way...I have experienced like this before with Pema, but as for Pema, she always cares for me, I can sense that....Eventhough at that time I was being such a pain in the ass (I hate her bf-now-husband), she didnt change, of course at that time she's so head over heels fallin for him, but she didnt forget us, I and other friends, she spared her time here and there...I know its tiring, and I know its not easy to hear all the judgements and all the critics for her bf, but she's there....she laughed with us...she enjoyed our companion (and of course, she left early for him), she's always be there for us...that is why I and Pema cried so much like a children lose their toys, during our farewell bid (on the phone, mind you! coz at that time I was absolutely busy, yes, I think its appropriate to use 'absolutely' since on that days after graduation I went crazy here and there, took care of everything up to find a real buyer for our car!)
So, at first I thought Pema and Netta is similar, but, then again, they're totally different...I must say...
I do hope my feeling will be healed soon...
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Prime Minister ABE Stepped out Today
I just finished my lunch, when my boss rang me in my cell...He`s outside the office with the ambassador, and got a news that Japanese PM, Shinzo Abe has resigned from the office due to sort of things, which is one of them is the strong opposition from the DPJ--opposition as well as ruling party in the House of Councillors--to the Abe`s plan of extending Japan`s logistic support for antiterrorism operations in Afghanistan.
So, here I am, trying to make a report from scratch, that my boss told me to do...But what amazed me is, how fast a political situation changes from minute to minute, from hour to hour, from day to day...And I feel so lucky that I am here, to witness all important events happen in Japan...from the election of PM Abe, as the youngest Japanese PM who was born postwar period, until his resignation....All happen in just one year, and dont forget, in 2006, we also had Miss Japan to be crowned as Miss Universe after a long, long time...
So, I was thinking, why wouldnt I make a caleidoskop, for myself, as a record for what has happened during my post here...
Ok then, lets start...!
So, here I am, trying to make a report from scratch, that my boss told me to do...But what amazed me is, how fast a political situation changes from minute to minute, from hour to hour, from day to day...And I feel so lucky that I am here, to witness all important events happen in Japan...from the election of PM Abe, as the youngest Japanese PM who was born postwar period, until his resignation....All happen in just one year, and dont forget, in 2006, we also had Miss Japan to be crowned as Miss Universe after a long, long time...
So, I was thinking, why wouldnt I make a caleidoskop, for myself, as a record for what has happened during my post here...
Ok then, lets start...!
My dearest bestfriend in IUJ
Just did a search for an email of my friend, and happened to bump into an old email sent to my dearest best2 friend, Pema, in IUJ...
I wrote this letter after our graduation day,...to read this again made me, well, once again, weep...do, really, hontou ni sabishii ni narimashita ne....really miss her THAT much...
So, here is what I wrote back then...
`Dearest Pema,
Hi, are u still up? I just want to say thank you for everything...for our friendship for this two years...I am really happy to be your bestfriend...although sometimes you can be a pain in the ass...hehe, just kidding..! nope...you are more than a good friend tome...you are like my sister that I never had...I also want to say, sorry if I can be such a pain in the ass (this is for being such a jerk), I realize that lately I've been such a bad person to you...
I dont know Pem, maybe its because I just miss you, miss the way we laugh, share stories, or even just watch amovie from your broken DVD like we often do before...I dont know why I could not said it in front of you,maybe because I realize I will miss you, dearly, n maybe wont able to see you again...for a very very long time, and only God knows when will we meet again...The moment finally comes for us to say goodbye...
I will miss you so so much, that is for sure...I will miss your laugh, your jokes (which often around 'that'particular area), miss your face when imitatingsomeone..miss your endless, endless complains andstories (hehe!), miss your self beautifying moments..miss you for always stealing my mirror..(hehe..), miss you for your potato and cheese,miss the way you and eiei was fighting over a small and simple thing, miss to watch a movie with you and watching you fell asleep when the movie turned out not the way you expected (as always..hehe), miss the way you and hay teasing one another...miss your grumpiness, miss you in your panic mode, miss you when you called me lazy bum for not moving from my ass from the computer...miss you for teasing me with Atri..and miss you for taking care of me when I was sick...
I surely fervently will miss you, Pem...You are my FIRST friend in IUJ, and your HAPPINESS is the ONLY thing that I want...I just want you to be happy..to meet the man of your dream...who will treat you withhis care and love...so that you will be happy as canbe..:)Once again, thank you Pem...for being such a very good friend...dont miss contact with me please...n do say to your dad that you want to come to my wedding..hehehe...!hmm..I dont know what to write anymore...lost in words, cause the tears kept running from myeyes...hehe...such a cry baby right? so sad here...bye pem, wish you a very happy life andsuccess..remember girl, you can reach higher andbetter than what you have had now....just believe inyourself...:)
love,
meidy`
I wrote this letter after our graduation day,...to read this again made me, well, once again, weep...do, really, hontou ni sabishii ni narimashita ne....really miss her THAT much...
So, here is what I wrote back then...
`Dearest Pema,
Hi, are u still up? I just want to say thank you for everything...for our friendship for this two years...I am really happy to be your bestfriend...although sometimes you can be a pain in the ass...hehe, just kidding..! nope...you are more than a good friend tome...you are like my sister that I never had...I also want to say, sorry if I can be such a pain in the ass (this is for being such a jerk), I realize that lately I've been such a bad person to you...
I dont know Pem, maybe its because I just miss you, miss the way we laugh, share stories, or even just watch amovie from your broken DVD like we often do before...I dont know why I could not said it in front of you,maybe because I realize I will miss you, dearly, n maybe wont able to see you again...for a very very long time, and only God knows when will we meet again...The moment finally comes for us to say goodbye...
I will miss you so so much, that is for sure...I will miss your laugh, your jokes (which often around 'that'particular area), miss your face when imitatingsomeone..miss your endless, endless complains andstories (hehe!), miss your self beautifying moments..miss you for always stealing my mirror..(hehe..), miss you for your potato and cheese,miss the way you and eiei was fighting over a small and simple thing, miss to watch a movie with you and watching you fell asleep when the movie turned out not the way you expected (as always..hehe), miss the way you and hay teasing one another...miss your grumpiness, miss you in your panic mode, miss you when you called me lazy bum for not moving from my ass from the computer...miss you for teasing me with Atri..and miss you for taking care of me when I was sick...
I surely fervently will miss you, Pem...You are my FIRST friend in IUJ, and your HAPPINESS is the ONLY thing that I want...I just want you to be happy..to meet the man of your dream...who will treat you withhis care and love...so that you will be happy as canbe..:)Once again, thank you Pem...for being such a very good friend...dont miss contact with me please...n do say to your dad that you want to come to my wedding..hehehe...!hmm..I dont know what to write anymore...lost in words, cause the tears kept running from myeyes...hehe...such a cry baby right? so sad here...bye pem, wish you a very happy life andsuccess..remember girl, you can reach higher andbetter than what you have had now....just believe inyourself...:)
love,
meidy`
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Diplomatic Reception...taihen....
Yoshh!
Finally, today we hold the Diplomatic Reception to celebrate the 62nd Anniversary of Indonesian Independence Day....After so many hassles in the past 3 weeks (I happened to be in charge for all invitations...guess how many are coming..yup...more than 500 people...udah kayak kondangan yak....). It is held in the Ambassador`s Residence, in the back of our embassy...
Considering it is in Japan, well, the guests have already come at around 6 pm...while the invitation is from 6.30...The guests keep coming and coming until the house was so packed with people...High dignitaries--Ambassadors, CEOs and Chairman from well-known Japanese companies, Directors and DGs from government ministries, and high-profile media moguls were mixed in a large groups that occupied every space in the residence....The sound of kecapi played by Indonesian students filled the joyous atmosphere, blended with the warm welcome of Indonesian Ambassador and madame, and the staffs of the embassy....The professional waiter and waitresses--hired from the famous Imperial Hotel--kept serving the foods and each champagne and various kind of drinks kept flowing to the guests....It was a nearly perfect night...not even a single drop of rains can ruin this evening....
However, wait.....at around 7.30, at the peak of hours, suddenly some lights in Wisma went out! Gosh....! It was nearly dark in the backyard garden, in which the food were served and it was also in the main hall, where the Ambassador greeted and received the guests! After almost half an hour, the lights still went off, and it turned out that, the Wisma couldnt bear such a huge electricity (there were additional lamps stationed in the garden)....
Well, aside of this, I`d rather said, unfortunate moment, the party was running smoothly, no major hassles, and each guests seemed enjoying this lovely evening....and, thanks to Madame Dewi Sukarno, who came as one of the guests, the party became more interesting, as many guests were eager to take pictures with her...and of course, me too, hehehe!
Its getting late now, I should take a rest....
Kyou wa....hontou ni tsukaremashita...demo, tanoshikatta desu ne....Gokurosamadeshita....
Finally, today we hold the Diplomatic Reception to celebrate the 62nd Anniversary of Indonesian Independence Day....After so many hassles in the past 3 weeks (I happened to be in charge for all invitations...guess how many are coming..yup...more than 500 people...udah kayak kondangan yak....). It is held in the Ambassador`s Residence, in the back of our embassy...
Considering it is in Japan, well, the guests have already come at around 6 pm...while the invitation is from 6.30...The guests keep coming and coming until the house was so packed with people...High dignitaries--Ambassadors, CEOs and Chairman from well-known Japanese companies, Directors and DGs from government ministries, and high-profile media moguls were mixed in a large groups that occupied every space in the residence....The sound of kecapi played by Indonesian students filled the joyous atmosphere, blended with the warm welcome of Indonesian Ambassador and madame, and the staffs of the embassy....The professional waiter and waitresses--hired from the famous Imperial Hotel--kept serving the foods and each champagne and various kind of drinks kept flowing to the guests....It was a nearly perfect night...not even a single drop of rains can ruin this evening....
However, wait.....at around 7.30, at the peak of hours, suddenly some lights in Wisma went out! Gosh....! It was nearly dark in the backyard garden, in which the food were served and it was also in the main hall, where the Ambassador greeted and received the guests! After almost half an hour, the lights still went off, and it turned out that, the Wisma couldnt bear such a huge electricity (there were additional lamps stationed in the garden)....
Well, aside of this, I`d rather said, unfortunate moment, the party was running smoothly, no major hassles, and each guests seemed enjoying this lovely evening....and, thanks to Madame Dewi Sukarno, who came as one of the guests, the party became more interesting, as many guests were eager to take pictures with her...and of course, me too, hehehe!
Its getting late now, I should take a rest....
Kyou wa....hontou ni tsukaremashita...demo, tanoshikatta desu ne....Gokurosamadeshita....
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Our housewarming party
Hooray..! Finally we had a housewarming party for our friends today, after this one year...:)! Well, actually a housewarming is supposed to be held in just few months after we`re moving in to a new home, however, in our case, we just had time to have it, well, today, hehehe! We were moving in to our home around 13 months ago, and we`ve been through fall, winter, spring, and now, summer to fall...so, its more than a housewarming though..:)
To welcome our guests, we both cooked our specialties, Atri with sate ayam and chicken & roast beef pepper, I with, uhm, a simple one, corn cream soup, and both of us made fried prawn...yummy...Well, we started cooking at around 10 am in the morning, and finished it around 1.30, just before they`re coming...
My friends arrived around 2 something, they were my friends from daigakuin (graduate school) in Urasa, and they were now living and working in Tokyo, some of them were married, one with a Japanese girl, and the most important thing, they were already having...their housewarming party! So, it is really my turn to have one...(finally...as Andy said, hihi!)...
So, here they are, enjoying the lunch (Rudy hasnt eaten anything from this morning, he`s saving for the lunch, haha!), and thank God, they enjoyed the lunch so much and finished everything! I was sooo happy...! They liked our place, its cozy, they said...hehe...thx! Maybe because we put many pillows, and have big sofa, and also because our living room is quite spacious compare to others...
Today was really fun....yosh...tanoshikatta ne...!! I would love to have this kind of gathering again, someday, its really nice talking with ur old friends, and just sit around, chit chatting, and doing nothing...so much fun...!
And again, today is not hot at all, the weather is quite friendly btw...;) Really thankful for this wonderful day....:)!
To welcome our guests, we both cooked our specialties, Atri with sate ayam and chicken & roast beef pepper, I with, uhm, a simple one, corn cream soup, and both of us made fried prawn...yummy...Well, we started cooking at around 10 am in the morning, and finished it around 1.30, just before they`re coming...
My friends arrived around 2 something, they were my friends from daigakuin (graduate school) in Urasa, and they were now living and working in Tokyo, some of them were married, one with a Japanese girl, and the most important thing, they were already having...their housewarming party! So, it is really my turn to have one...(finally...as Andy said, hihi!)...
So, here they are, enjoying the lunch (Rudy hasnt eaten anything from this morning, he`s saving for the lunch, haha!), and thank God, they enjoyed the lunch so much and finished everything! I was sooo happy...! They liked our place, its cozy, they said...hehe...thx! Maybe because we put many pillows, and have big sofa, and also because our living room is quite spacious compare to others...
Today was really fun....yosh...tanoshikatta ne...!! I would love to have this kind of gathering again, someday, its really nice talking with ur old friends, and just sit around, chit chatting, and doing nothing...so much fun...!
And again, today is not hot at all, the weather is quite friendly btw...;) Really thankful for this wonderful day....:)!
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