A little thought of myself

Found something that I wrote a long time ago, on 2004 I think, I dont remember why I wrote this, but apparently this is my true feeling and thoughts for what I have become..:)

hmm....life is soo....i dont know how to say it...sometimes u are up for it...but sometimes u arent...the clock is almost reaching the stroke of midnight...and here i am...with my mind drifted away...n my feeling is not there...sometimes...i picture myself as someone who always try to be nice to everyone...who always dont want to fail everyone...who want everyone to see me as a....happy one...!

well....what lies beneath me is not always the one that everyone see in my everyday life....i can be so unperfect...so unkind....so.....careless....i always put high hopes on everyone, that everyone is the same...that they are always kind, and nice....that they will never fail me....

but what comes in reality is the contrary...i've been hurt...been broken hearted....been torn apart....n they come as a result of my willingness to always put high hopes on everyone...and of course, in the end, i am dissapointed when things turn out different than I thought...

i listen, i laugh, i care, i cry, i go along with people, i feel what they feel, and i do hope that they feel me too....but it wont always go to that direction....sometimes i fall....

i shouldnt put too much hope on everything....just....be as i wish to be....not to put too many things in it....i still listen, i still laugh, i still care, i still cry....i...still go along with people....but, i want now to be different....i want to be me....i want to be.....not what i used to be.....i want to.....just being myself...without so much concern to others.....can I do it? or should I do it?

those questions are really up to me....i just...dont want to be hurt anymore.....

one said that what influence u is ur surroundings....ur family....ur friends....well, ever since my early days without my father's presence, i've been there to always make my little brother happy....i've been taught to always put my happy smile...i've been taught to always comfort him, just to make him feel safe being with me...that i always be there for him...for years i've been doing that....n for years i've been keeping all my sadness with me....

well, friends are always there though...but i could not burden them with my sadness...hmm...its me who always be there for them...dont put ur sad face in front of them....that is what I always said to myself....no matter how hard it is...how painful it is...u can always smile, n say, hey, u are better than anyone else....!

i've been running, and running, and keeping all inside me.....sometimes it comes out, sometimes it doesnt....and sometimes, when I am sad....I am back to being a 12 year old girl who was holding my little brother n said, 'ssh...dont cry...dont cry....i am here...' as I put my happy smile just to sooth him....

as everything turns out to be better, sometimes I feel like running...and bringing all my misery with me....I dont want to share it to everyone...! its my own misery, and its me who is responsible for that....but then I realize...should I run...and run....and run.....and never find the answer?sometimes, tears are just easily flowing on my cheeck...whenever i am sad....whenever i am in a deep pain....whenever.....maybe i can be called a cry baby....but....as for me....crying is the only way to release myself....to release the pain....the sadness...i dont want to cry again...but i cant help it...what should I do? should I just run...and run....and run,...? and try to forget everything...? can I do that? is it good? is it....better?

still dont know the answer....and what is written in the blue moon...maybe it is the only answer....

urasa, november 2004

That is exactly what my thoughts are lately...I've been hurt...been dissapointed, but still, I am trying to be nice..still trying to be, well, a door mat, a push-over...Hmm..I dont want to feel that way anymore...I dont want to be a door mat, its not nice..Even though it maybe looks nice to someone, but it only hurts me, little by little, pieces by pieces...I've been torn apart, but I wont let myself torn again...

I maybe nice, I maybe a caring person...but I had to have that courage to speak up for myself, I have to dare myself not to that caring to others, especially to those who, well, dont really care for me..People says, it takes two to tango...Well, I might as well say that to myself too...It takes two to carry out relations, a friendship...and its not just your own efforts to make it right...to be carried out..

Its not easy though, especially for someone like me...for a person who can not say 'no'...well, I have to learn though...little by little, step by step...until the day that I can say 'no' to someone..